What are these people running from?
They're not!
They're running to the world's toughest competition in town.
It's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Today, the film industry
takes on people with phobias!
It's the classic battle of big screen
versus big screams.
So get fired up for MXC.
And now, here's two photophobes who only fear fear itself,
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!
Well, we've got a great show tonight:
film folks versus phobias, Ken.
Yeah, Vic, I'm going to be a movie star.
Kenny, you don't want to be a movie star.
You want to be an actor. It's an art form.
Yeah, whatever gets more chicks.
And, speaking of a man who makes his living
with small parts, let's go to Guy LeDouche.
Oh, I am here, Guy LeDouche,
AKA, Toulouse-LeDouche from Moulin Rouge.
Translated, it means
"red rubber suit with matching galoshes."
The canteen was my idea.
Today's blockbuster begins with the very puzzling
Get a Piece.
From there, we get a firm grip with Pole Riders.
Then we trot over to Saddle Sores.
And of course, we finish with the uninsurable,
but always satisfying, Log Drop.
And now, Guy salutes the movie musical.
Hit it, me.
♪ Hey, look at me I'm chipper ♪
♪ My friends call me the Whipper ♪
♪ Now let's go to the Skipper ♪
Whoa. Who believes that phobias are a legitimate manifestation
of childhood traumas, leaving behind deep, emotional scars?
Show of hands, now!
Well, you're wrong!
Fears and phobias are pathetic excuses
for the weak-minded to hide behind
so they can avoid responsibility
and file bogus disability claims
that you and I have to pay for.
Well, take these movie rent-a-cops.
Fear would encumber them from holding back overzealous fans,
guarding props, and standing watch
over the craft service table.
Am I right, gentlemen?
Uh, Captain, we'd like to present this award
as a token of our appreciation
for supporting the local 560 Motion Picture Brigade
and bowling team.
Thank you.
Wow! I want to say that I'm very proud
and happy to accept this award.
Uh, don't forget the cheer. Sorry, what?
The cheer, don't forget it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, uh, we'd like to thank you
for being the Captain in your uniform as you are,
as we also wear uniforms.
Three cheers for the Captain.
Ready?
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!
Staush, I think that was five.
Let's go!
And we're off to our first challenge:
Get a Piece!
This is the game where our contestants
try to reassemble the original animated cells
from the beloved family classic Jungle Book Fever.
Get it on!
My nana used to read that to me.
The delightful tale of forbidden interspecies love
between an orphaned lion cub
and a half-blind marmoset named Poon.
Poon was my favorite character.
I had that lunchbox when I was a kid.
And of course, each one of these cells
painstakingly hand-rendered
on a 300-pound slab of Italian blue vein marble.
That's just the way they used to do animation in the old days, Ken.
Of course now, most of the stuff is done on computers.
Sounds like it was easier then.
Right you are. Oh, look at that.
There's Hip-hoppity the Rapping Bunny,
Charlie the Upside-down Mocking Bird.
All favorites, Ken.
And there, the team captain for the phobics,
Robert Underwood, moving through the crowd.
And you can see them down there, Ken,
all struggling to reassemble those cells.
300 pounds of blue vein marble. That's gotta be heavy.
It must've been hard to be an animator in the olden days. Right you are, Ken.
Not like today where women can participate in the field.
Back then, of course, you had to be strong,
burly, and manly to lift those slabs and paint them.
Hey, where do you think they get Italian blue vein marble?
Well, of course only in the crevices
of the great Italian Alps.
Oh, look it there, Ken!
There's a great blocking move by the film team.
And there, it's Siegfried the tiger,
half white tiger, half magician's assistant.
Right you are, Ken.
Another favorite.
And look it there, all scrambling around,
assembling those things.
Oh, look at that, Ken.
That's Fosse, the tap-dancing gorilla.
Right you are. Another favorite.
Oh, and there you go,
Swallows, the ten-headed ostrich.
That one always creeped me out. Right you are, Ken.
I had some bad dreams from that, myself.
And look it there.
Oh, and there is Gingrich the right-wing newt.
Yeah, he was cool. Right you are. Look at that.
Of course, now you can see that the oppressive weight
of these marble animated cells
now starting to take its toll on the contestants.
Oh, man, I can hear their bones crushing.
Right you are, and here is our MXC Impact Replay.
Wow, look at them put that piece together.
Incredible stuff, Ken.
This is brutal. Right you are, Ken.
And speaking of brutal, let's go down to Guy.
So, you're all movie executives.
Do you think you can make an animated movie about these lions?
Uh, I don't know.
I got an idea.
An animated movie with lions would never work.
I'm deathly afraid of cats.
Yeah, deathly.
That's too bad. What do you have to say?
I'll tell you what you need.
Some racy language, good merchandising,
and a close-up of the lions licking each other.
That's a movie!
Well, after the first round, film scores itself a win.
And they take the lead 5 to 3.
Well, Kenny, I'm directing an independent film
and I'd like you to be the leading man.
Oh, I can see my name in lights now.
Me, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz.
Kenny. And they're nude the whole movie.
Look, cinematic to be sure, but it's not that kind of film.
Whoo, I'm rich! Ha-ha!
Kenny, it's gritty, it's edgy.
You know, maybe I need to get one of those Baldwin brothers instead.
When MXC returns,
get ready to grab your pole and take it for a ride.
MXC is back with the paranoid taking on the celluloid.
I wrote that one.
Hey, is this my big nude scene?
Ha-ha, yes it is, Ken.
First, we've got other stuff to take care of.
Of course, we've got an action scene,
but we've got a stunt double for you.
No, that's okay. I'll do my own stunts.
Well, okay. Action!
Hey, there's no naked chicks up here.
Yes. Hey, wait... Hey!
Hey, time out! Good job, Kenny.
Good. Ah, what is that?
Okay, now here, give him...
Give him the, uh...
Good, the smoke. Good.
Great stuff, Kenny.
Great! Great!
Okay. Now, Kenny, jump to safety!
Kenny! You're going to catch me, right?
Yeah, sure. There you go!
Ah! Ah! Oh, great!
Oh, my God, this is safety fluid.
Get me outta here!
Stunt double! Stunt double!
Now it's time for Pole Riders.
The object of the game is easy.
Firmly grip the head of the shaft
and go from one end to the other without getting wet.
Please don't leave me alone.
First up for the phobics, it's Duke Kerry.
Duke suffers from separation anxiety.
Oh! And look at that, Ken.
It looks like it just kicked in.
I think he has a hernia. I think you might be right.
He's desperately afraid of being separated from that pole.
Hah! Or the side of the launch ramp there.
Let's see what he's doing.
Oh! Ken, if you listen in,
you can hear his abdominal wall
separating and turning away from his ribcage.
And he is down.
That is our MXC Impact Replay.
Right here, Vic, his thong is riding up on him,
and then riding down.
Right you are, Ken. Ha-ha.
Next up for film, it's Max LaVeaux.
Brains...
Max, of course, runs a voodoo movie house chain
called Black Magic Johnson Theaters.
Yeah, they show nothing but zombie-sploitation films.
Right you are. Let's see what he does here, Ken.
Getting himself all lined up.
Good firm grip on the shaft.
Oh! He misjudged that!
Kill the brain, kill the ghoul. Right you are, Ken.
And next up, team captain Robert Underwood.
I haven't talked to my father in five years!
Suffers from acracknophobia, Ken.
Yeah, he has a fear of brown spiders.
Let's see what he does here.
I think he has a fear of winning, too. I think you might be right.
And he is down hard. What a shame.
Let's take another look. Can brown spiders swim?
Usually, they just bark, Ken.
Next up, assistant production assistant Honey Wagon.
I'm worthless!
Her job stinks.
She has to take crap from everybody.
Let's see what she does here.
Oh! And she's down quickly, Ken.
That is a shame.
Next up, Bailey Jackson.
I'm mean to everyone!
She's a carnedrapaphobic, Ken.
That's fear of being entangled in beef curtains.
Right you are. We've all been there. No!
Let's see what she does here.
She had a little trouble with that pole, and she's down!
Let's take another look, Ken.
Yeah, right here, Vic.
Look at her wiggle the top of the pole. Right you are.
I think she entangled herself.
I think you might be right.
And that's not the way to ride pole, Ken.
Uh-uh.
I want bigger parts!
Next up is Karen Warner.
She breaks in casting couches.
She went from being an extra to extra busy.
Ooh! Oh, and now she's extra busy going down.
She learned that at a casting couch. Aw, crap!
Right you are. I've been intimate with a yak!
Good to know. That's Vince Marecki.
He suffers from J-Lo-phobia.
Yeah, fear of big backyards.
Oh! Oh!
I've been Affleckted with that, Ken.
Huh?
Never mind. Oyster, ho!
Next up, actor Scott Bachmann.
Played Popeye Boyle in The French Infection.
Let's see what he does here.
Oh, he's down hard! Looks like he might... make it.
Can he hold on? And he cannot.
Let's take another look, Ken.
I liked The French Infection,
especially that carbuncle chase.
Hey, look at me!
Next up, Dexter Bussy.
He suffers from pubiphobia.
That's a fear of short people with curly hair.
Oh! Ooh, he's down!
Short curlies make me nervous. Right you are.
Next up, Francis Ford Capicolla,
director of course of the upcoming horror blockbuster
Jason Versus Fredo Corleone.
Ooh! Oh, and he's down!
I'm going to have nightmares for weeks. Right you are.
Let's take another look at that, Ken.
You can see right here.
Completely overextends, and into the fluid.
He hits the mattresses, then he just sleeps with the fishes.
Right you are, Ken.
Don't come line.
And last up, it's Crown Vic.
He suffers from crapophobia.
Yeah, he's afraid of dice games and the number 2.
Right you are, and let's see what he does there.
And he is number one in this game, Ken.
He has done some serious pole riding.
Let's take another look as Crown Vic is victorious!
He brings his team within 1, and film leads 5 to 4.
Well, Kenny, here we are, our second day of shooting. Yeah.
So, you've read your script, your character's all prepared.
You ready to go? Uh, sort of. Yeah.
Okay. Let's... What?
Ken, what are you doing?
I'm getting ready for my love scene.
Uh-huh. Who am I doing the scene with?
Uh, bonjour. Ah, Cameron, right on time.
Hey, you're a dude. Oui, oui.
Nice basket. Indeed.
Ready to be mounted?
Then stay tuned for more MXC!
Got it, jockey junk?
MXC is back as the film world takes on the phobics.
It's movie ditzes versus chicken ses.
All right, Kenny, this is a very pivotal scene and...
Kenny, step out of the way.
Oh, okay. Very important. We have Cameron.
He is your stunt double. He's...
What? I don't need a stunt double. Kenny, step out of the way!
I can do the sex scene myself.
Get outta here, you freak. Ah! Merci beaucoup.
All right. All right.
Oh, baby, here I come. All right.
Kenny, fine. Line?
Cameron, please step out of the way.
Line? Oui.
All right. And action!
Ha! Oh, come to me, baby.
Ow!
Ah! Hey! Ha-ha.
You didn't read the script, did you, Ken? Hey, that chick bit me.
And it's time for Saddle Sores!
And... Oh, I guess he's not done?
Okay.
One more time. And there you go, Ken.
Right here, an actual Hollywood pitch in progress.
Let's listen in.
He's a thoroughbred, but he ends up falling out of love,
and then he gets married to a prize-fighter.
Yeah, I love that part right there.
And then they have a child out of wedlock.
I would see that. Right you are, Ken.
Let's meet the horses for the first race.
Lane number one, that's Flatchaphobic.
Number two, All the Pretty Horses.
Number three, Swatchwatchaphobe.
Number four, Horse Feathers.
Number five, Fear of Heights.
And number six, The Horse Whisperer.
Gun up!
And they're off out of the gate, Ken.
Right there, taking the lead,
that's number five, Fear of Heights, racing on.
Look at number four, Horse Feathers,
making its way into the center of the field,
taking the lead there.
Look at that galloping.
And here comes Fear of Heights.
Fear of Heights, Horse Feathers...
and of course on the outside, Horse Whisperer.
But look at that, it's Fear of Heights on the outside, Ken!
That's number one!
Flatchaphobic has broken its own wind and it's down!
And look at that!
Fear of Heights takes the win by a nose!
Unbelievable!
There's been a call for a photo finish.
Let's go to the photo finish grid.
But you can see right there clearly, number five,
Fears of Heights climbs to the top of the heap
and Horse Whisperer comes in a close second.
And that's a big shout-out for "loser."
Right, Ken? Ha-ha!
Let's go to our MXC Impact Replay.
You can see Flatchaphobic in lane number one going down hard.
Look at that.
Swatchwatchaphobe threw a shoe.
Hopefully it won't have to be put down,
but let's move on to the next race.
Number one, we've got 'Fraidy Cat.
Number two, A Man Called Horse.
Number three, Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself.
Number four, Return of the Man Called Horse.
Number five, Fear of Frothy Things.
And number six, A Man Called Horse Revolution.
Here they go. They're all lined up.
And they're off, Ken! Look at that!
Number six, A Man Called Horse Revolution...
An early break out of the gate.
An early release and taking the field, Ken.
Dominating.
And there, of course, in the other lane,
that is A Man Called Horse.
A Man Called Horse Revolution wins it!
A Man Called Horse comes in second... Oh!
Oh! And right there, number five,
Fear of Frothy Things goes down.
Of course, there's the winner, A Man Called Horse Revolution.
But here...
Oh, Ken, look at this. This is something sad.
You can see the owner... Fear of Frothy Things
has actually come down to the track
to try to help his horse across the finish line.
Let's go down to hear what he had to say.
Yeah, uh...
The only way that glue bucket
was getting across the finish line
was if I dragged him myself.
You know, I don't wear underwear.
You know, I never would have known that.
But you can see the end of the last race there.
A Man Called Horse Revolution followed by A Man Called Horse.
And then of course Fear of Frothy Things going down.
What a shame. He will be missed.
And there in lane number one, Choadaphobia.
Number two, My Friend Flicka.
Number three, Fear and Loathing.
Number four, See Her Biscuit.
Number five, Irrational Fear.
And number six, Francis Joins the Army.
Gun up!
And they're off, Ken!
And you can see right there Irrational Fear...
Francis Joins the Army, taking off neck and neck.
Number four, See Her Biscuit
having trouble out of the gate,
but here comes the rest of the field, Ken.
They're all moving up.
Number two, My Friend Flicka.
Look at them moving, Ken.
We've got a tight race on the outside.
Francis Joins the Army...
Francis Joins the Army, Irrational Fear...
I think we've got another photo finish.
It looks like someone lost a helmet, Ken.
Looks like he coughed something up.
I think you might be right. Let's go back and take a look.
You can see the photo finish right there.
And it looks like number five, Irrational Fear, comes in.
But we had something that looks like spit up or dropped out or...
What is that, Ken? I think it was a horse dropping.
Right you are, Ken..the film drops hard and the phobics face their fear of success,
and tie it up 6-6.
Kenny, I'd like you to meet your beautiful co-star.
Oh, finally, a good-looking chick.
Right you are, Ken.
Hey, Vic, how big is an Oscar? Don't worry about it.
They will soon come because we are working with Ms. Anne Heche.
That's me. Wow.
That's right, making her comeback
in our gritty independent film.
I saw her underwear. Ah.
Kenny! Ha-ha!
When MXC returns,
don't get Log Jammed.
Hey, maybe you need more fiber, acid drip.
MXC is back with the final battle
between the Golden Globes and the fearophobes.
That was scary good.
Okay, Kenny. There we are.
Ms. Heche, please take your position.
Kenny, standby. Wait for my cue.
Everybody ready? Action!
You will rise.
You will rise, stupid demon.
Rise... Kenny!
Cut it. What?
Kenny, what are you doing?
You're not David Copperfield, a magician.
You're an exorcist.
You need to draw the demons from her.
I need to hear it from you.
I want to feel it. Okay.
Hey! Hey, demons, come out!
You're surrounded!
You can't get away!
You are surrounded.
Come out, stupid demon!
Ow!
Stupid Anne Heche.
Keep going, keep going.
Oh, see what she's doing there?
She's improvising.
All big stars do that. Oh, I know.
Yeah, I think my character would do this, Vic.
Oh, good, go for it. Yeah, let's try it.
Put a bucket on the demon's head.
Ah! Ah!
Ha ha!
I'm gonna do it again.
Good. Ahh!
Ha ha.
Ah! Oh, I'm cured.
Cut and print! That was fabulous.
Thank you again, Ms. Heche.
Next up, Log Drop.
Each contestant scampers across
the spinning timbers without getting dumped.
Stay dry: good. Get wet: bad.
Get it on!
Yes, I'm lactose intolerant! Uh!
First up, Al Tadina.
He fears homogenized milk, Ken.
I guess that makes him a homophobe.
Right you are, Ken. He sounded a little flamey.
Oh! There, he's down!
Wow, good thing there were no guys in that water.
Right you are, Ken. I lift my leg to pee!
And here's geriatric body double Gwyneth Diaz.
She doubles for those old broads from Sex In the City.
Oh! And she's down!
Ken, take us to the replay.
Right here, into a flying dry Kegel,
then a plastic hip replacement.
Oh, that ought to cool her hot flashes.
Hello, fellas!
Here's Melanie Grandchest.
Suffers from an irrational fear of wet t-shirt contests.
That would make her a hydrahanesaphobic.
And she's in the fluid, Ken.
I like soup!
Here's Tony Breznican,
star of the upcoming blockbuster
Fudge Batman Forever.
His trailer really stinks.
Good to know, Ken. Look at him going there.
Hey, how do you put a fudge bat in a Happy Meal?
Probably with gloves, Ken. Oh, listen to him now.
He's really working there, really straining, Ken.
Listen. My Fudge Bat came with souvenir tongs.
Right you are, Ken. Oh, and he's down!
Next up, Loretta Spinster.
I have 12 cats!
She's a merciphobe.
She fears random piteous intimacy with strangers.
I only did her because I felt sorry for her.
Oh! We all feel sorry for her now.
Here's Jean-Claude Babaganoosh.
I'll die for you!
Middle Eastern action star.
He played the heroic martyr in Full Metal Burka.
Oh! And he's down, Ken.
That's our MXC Impact Replay.
I've got all his stuff on DVD.
The Self-Terminator, Allah the President's Men.
Then he tried to do a comedy, Intifada of the Bride.
I actually enjoyed that one, Ken.
I'm on the juice!
And here's Arnold Atlas. He's a flaciphobe.
Fears involuntary softness.
I only wish I had that problem.
Oh, look at that!
He was stiffly shoved into the water, Ken.
Let's see that again on the replay.
Yeah, right here. Look how stiff he is.
You can see his little red head snapping back and forth.
Then he falls into our canal of mystery fluid.
I sense a little envy there, Ken.
I love you this much!
Here's Lowell Mann.
He runs a 3D Adult Theaters IWAX.
It's so lifelike you have to duck during money shots.
Right you are, Ken. I wouldn't know.
Heard about it from friends.
But look at him. Oh! And he's down in the fluid!
Ow, my back! My back! Might have been injured.
Let's take another look and see what happened.
There, a 70-millimeter layout into a THX!
Oh! The audience is listening.
Loser. Right you are, Ken.
Smell this!
Here's Judy Kemp from Phobic Airlines.
They give you a bottle of Jack Daniels,
some adult diapers, and a bus ticket.
Oh! She could use all those things right now, Ken.
She's in the fluid. Give me butter!
And here's Horatio Sasso, America's fat film funny man.
Afraid of going the way of Chris Farley,
he recently lost 155 pounds, Ken.
He hasn't worked since. Right you are.
But it worked for him here and he's won!
I already forgot his name. Right you are, Ken.
And with that, Horatio wins it for the film industry, 7 to 6.
Yeah. Ken, great show.
We learned about film and phobias.
And you know what? I think your acting was great.
I do have a couple of notes for you, though.
Let me tell you about your character.
You're not even listening, are you?
You want to go to the top ten? Okay, fine.
It's time for Kenny Blankenship's
Painful Eliminations of the Day!
Starting out at number ten, it's 3D porn theater owner Lowell Mann.
Look at him mouth that log.
He could star in his own film.
Number nine is Swatchwatchaphobe throwing a shoe
and Flatchaphobe hittin' the dirt.
It's time to gas them both and put them down.
At number eight, Popeye Boyle from The French Infection,
getting an MXC disease from our safety fluid.
At number seven, it's me, the daring action hero.
A big-time Hollywood producer saw this,
and now I'm going to be the next Fudge Batman.
And number six goes to movie horror director, Francis Ford Capicolla,
who goes psycho, screams, and misery.
Number five, Arnold Atlas.
This muscle-head just can't get it done.
What a stiff.
Number four, Fear of Heights,
who gets vertigo on the track and falls flat on his face.
His new name is glue.
Number three, Duke Kerry,
who likes poles so much, he won't let go.
Stroke it like that, Duke,
and you'll always wind up wet.
And number two is film star Jean-Claude Babaganoosh,
who gets blockbusted right in the head.
Ouch!
And my most painful elimination of the day
goes to acracknophobic Robert Underwood.
The only crack he should fear now
is the one running down from the base of his skull
all the way to his little brown spider.
I hate bugs.
Well, Ken, top-notch eliminations.
As always, great show.
So what do we always say?
Don't get eliminated!
Great. Let's do one more.
I'm going back to my trailer.
Anne Heche is waiting for me.